Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk
Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk…
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk…
At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It’s Morris! And he’s again ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.
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Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer:
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.
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Just a little joke. One that I haven’t seen in quite a while.
A thermodynamics professor wrote a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: ‘Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.’...
Did you know that Cheerleading is the most dangerous sport in the nation? The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission reported roughly 25,000 cheerleading-related injuries requiring emergency care were reported in 2001.
This video sheds some light on the hidden dangers of cheerleading:
Next up: carpal tunnel syndrome and other repetitive stress disorders induced by cup-stacking.
The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; ” Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn’t you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn’t you call? You little tramp! Don’t you know what you put your Mum through??!!”
The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…”
“WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family – I don’t ever want to see you again!”
“OK, Dad – as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for ?5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club…(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and….”
“Now what was it you said you had become?”
Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff… A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff”
“Oh! Be Jesus! – you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said “a Protestant”. Come here and give your old man a hug!”
If Mario and a pirate had kids, this is the game they’d play:
And a joke for the occasion:
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
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Turkey Frying By Idiots (The UL Team)
These morons at UL broke about every rule for frying a turkey. Turkey fryers should include the label, “Not to be used by idiots.”
You must first dunk the bird in water to get the right level for the oil. This prevents the overflow.
Try this one: Never fry a frozen turkey…where do they get these guys? They never mention this important fact, because it detracts from their display or would show they can read directions?
You don’t just drop the bird in, you must slowly lower it, and raise it to prevent the bubbling over of oil.
Never fry a turkey on a wooden deck, they might as well have flown a kite in a thunderstorm. Also of note, frying on concrete can stain the concrete, hence I choose the grass.
One of my favorite parts….paraphrased….”This pot of boiling hot oil can become hot. Don’t touch with bare skin.” Now you tell me…no bobbing for turkey? Who’s going first?
Also note the the trusted UL seal isn’t available on guns as you might shoot someone with them…please exercise extreme caution.
“Do you like my bah-deee??” Freakin hilarious. Check out the video
Anna Nicole: ‘Slurred speech has boosted my career’
TV personality Anna Nicole Smith is elated with the buzz after her rambling speech at the American Music Awards—because she feels it has boosted her career.
The Texan ignited a flurry of questions about her well-being, when she slurred and stumbled her way through an introduction for rapper Kanye West at the star-studded Nov. 14 ceremony.
And Smith still doesn’t get what all the fuss is about.
“I didn’t even have to do a sex tape and I’m getting all this attention! I should, like, flub a line more often. I’m all over the TV, I’m everywhere,” Smith told The Insider.
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I Punched a Six Year Old in the Face or Why I Am Going to Hell
From http://www.ubersite.com/m/50268
A typical weekend of mayhem for me, living the high life, partying it up, rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle etc. Friday night was so wild it is untrue a Will & Grace double header and two, count ‘em, two coffees! Before bed!! I mean that is wild enough but I also slept in my socks. I know what you are all thinking -this boy is a mentalist – but I would rather die than live slow.
I had to work Saturday and didn’t finish until late. Some of my friends were out to dinner to celebrate Paul’s birthday. I was rushing to try and meet up but didn’t leave the office until gone nine. Which sucked a big fat one. With suspicious purple botches and a strange cheesy smell. Thats how much it sucked.
Fortunately most of my chums are borderline alcoholics so they wanted to go out and ‘have a quick pint’ first. This gave me time to meet them at the restaurant. I drove like a bat out of hell (blind, eating flies, squeaking and making lavish amounts of guano) and arrived at the place at around nine thirty. They hadn’t arrived as yet so I sat at the bar and had a light aperitif. As I was polishing off the second bottle of vodka my chums arrived.
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