indecorum

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

An Airline Pilot came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you fly the public safely all across the world.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen pilots waiting for a free haircut.

You Live in California when…

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
   Would you like to know more? »

Hitting a little close to home….

Editor’s Note: Originally posted at Aaron Karo’s website

The other day I found myself sitting on the couch watching reruns of Lizzie McGuire on the Disney Channel (and feeling sort of guilty because I was kinda getting turned on). And as I stuffed another piece of my roommate’s girlfriend’s leftover Valentine’s Day candy into my mouth, I realized something – I haven’t worked in a full year. Furthermore, I realized that the past year since I left Wall Street to pursue comedy has been one of the best years of my life. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve worked many a job in my day – from investment banks in New York to consulting firms in London, from tiny dot-com startups to huge, multinational corporations. And they all had one thing in common: I hated every second of it. Look around you. I bet every unemployed twentysomething you know is desperately looking for a job while everyone with a job is desperately looking to get the hell out. We’ve entered an era of job insecurity.
Would you like to know more? »

I’m part of the 75%

HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?

• The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
• Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
• Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
• Coca-Cola was originally green.
• It is impossible to lick your elbow.
• The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
• The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
• (now get this…) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
• The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
• The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
• Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
• The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
• The youngest pope was 11 years old.
• The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
• Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
• 111,111,111×111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
• If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
• Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.
• “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
• Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father’s Day

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

• In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase “goodnight, sleep tight.”

• It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.

• In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”

• Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.

• In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden … and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

AND FINALLY

• At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading… This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.” Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”

However, The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

I returned home this morning to find that I had left instant messaging over night. While my friends noticed that I was away, apparently not everyone did-

howdee_there_handsome): Sat Jun 07 04:29:51 2003
howdee_there_handsome: hi… anyone there?

*** Auto-response sent to howdee_there_handsome: Biking around town
howdee_there_handsome: oh your there hii…
howdee_there_handsome: /s/l (age sex location)?
howdee_there_handsome: im 27/f/USA. was lookin at yur profile. thought you might like to chat.
howdee_there_handsome: so what have yoou been up to jonslevine?
howdee_there_handsome: cool. i was jut hangin out watching tv. i was getting kinda horny (*blushes)
howdee_there_handsome: ferl like a little cyber fun with me ? please please…

Image courtesy of http://www.drunkanddisorderly.net/ and presumably GQ. And it links to another good one- http://www.collegedrunkfest.com/
Definitely check your six. Then laugh your ass off.

This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the two words Lewinsky (The Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick.

Would you like to know more? »

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on.”
Would you like to know more? »

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK: – Indubitably – Innovative – Preliminary – Proliferation – Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: – Specificity – British Constitution – Passive-aggressive disorder – Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: – Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex. – Nope, no more beer for me. – Sorry, but you’re not really my type. – Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight. – Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing

Possibly the dirtiest cartoon to be shown on broadcast TV. Oblongs was on WB a couple years back. I never saw it then, but Kazaa solved that problem. The Oblongs are your average working class family who live in the part of town that has all the toxics from the better part of town. The father has no limbs – yet plays the piano in an epsiode, the mother is an alcoholic, two of the sons are attached, the other is insane and then there is the adorable little girl who is basically normal. Oh, did I mention that something a little unusual protrudes from her head…