indecorum

A man walks downstairs one morning to get himself a cup of coffee before enjoying the beautiful weather on this particular saturday. On his way down the stairs he looks out into his front yard and sees a huge gorilla sitting in the big tree in his front yard. He calls his wife over to have her take a look and sure enough – it’s a big, grouchy looking gorilla camped out in their tree.

The couple quickly start looking for something to help them get this monster sized ape out of their tree, so they look in the yellow pages and miraculously find: Ape Removal Services. They call the only number on the list and get an appointment.

About 20 minutes later a big black van screeches to a halt in their driveway and the man driving comes knocking on the door. They open the door and show him the gorilla. The guy says, “Yeah, no problem. I can get this guy out of there, but I’m going to need one of you to help me”. The husband hesitantly volunteers and follows the man to the back of the van. Out of the van the ape removal expert pulls a ladder, a 6’ stick, a pair of handcuffs, a pitbull and a gun.

The husband is a little puzzled and asks how those things are going to help them get the gorilla down? “Well”, says the guy: “I’ll use the ladder to get into the tree and the stick to poke the gorilla so he’ll lose his balance and falls down. Once that happens, the pitbull will go straight for him and all you have to do is slap the cuffs on him when he goes to cover his balls!”.

“Eh, what’s the gun for then?” asks the husband and the ape removal guy says “Well, if the gorilla throws ME out of the tree, you shoot the damn dog”.

President Bush worried about the efficiency of his agencies decides to test them. He takes a large area of woodland and fences it off into three equal areas and releases a red squirrel into each. He gives the first area to the FBI, the second to the CIA and the third to the NYPD with the mission of finding the squirrel in a week.

The week elapses and he asks the FBI how they were doing. The FBI say that they mobilized the Dept of The Environment, the local police, The Forestry Commission in addition posting wanted signs in local towns and on the tree. The Squirrel however was still ‘at large’.

The Spokesman for the CIA is up next and after calling in ‘Grey Opps’, asked for a napalm strike. The officer then pushes across a clear plastic envelope containing greasy grey ashes saying that they believe that to be Red Squirrel residue.

The President then turns the the Chief of the New York Police Dept, who then nods to a junior officer. The door to the room opens and two police officers walk in holding a handcuffed, bruised and blooded badger between them.

The Chief then jabs his night-stick into the badgers ribs and says “Tell him what you told me”. The badger then screams “I’m a red squirrel, I’m a red squirrel!”.

The buzz word in today’s business world is MARKETING. However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of “Marketing.” Here it is:

• You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed,”
  That’s Direct Marketing.
• You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, “She’s fantastic in bed,”
  That’s Advertising.
• You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed,”
  That’s Telemarketing.
• You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say,” May I,” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed,”
  That’s Public Relations.
• You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed,”
  That’s Brand Recognition.
• You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
  That’s a Sales Rep.
• Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you.
  That’s Tech Support.
• You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!”
  That’s Junk Mail.

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. “You ‘ave been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. “Zen, you should know enough to ‘ave your passport ready for inspection.”

The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible. You Americans alwayz ‘ave to show your passports on arrival in France!”

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in ‘44, I couldn’t find any f—-ing Frenchmen to show it to.”

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”

The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

The other Santa Letters.

Billy’s Letter
Francis’ Letter
Jessica’s Letter
Marky’s Letter
Sarah’s Letter
Teddy’s Letter
Thomas’ Letter

Attention all stupid parents: Don’t sell your kids to child molesters (allegedly) for money! You’re as sick at Michael Jackson is.

Note: PDF link for posterity

Yesterday, one of my neighbors was car-hijacked at a traffic light! A young woman proposes to wash your car window while you wait at the red light, and another one takes advantage of it to open the back door and steal everything she can grab. Be warned, they are very well organized

Tips to protect yourself:

1. Don’t leave your doors or windows open if you drive up to a red light!
2. If your windows get washed . . .Don’t look at them, they try to distract you.

Please inform your friends of this new scam. Fortunately security cameras caught them in the act as they have gotten me 10 times already.

Check your 6…

If you guys don’t know what ninja’s are really about, go here. (Caution: annoying music)

I found the following textlogs on the Best of Craigslist. I searched around and found a few more, and have condensed the funniest ones into the following compendium. Enjoy, and be sure to read the rest in the Extended Entry!

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey…
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl 8 Penis of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don’t see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don’t **** with me biznitch, I’m the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don’t ever message me again you piece.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik’s evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it’s getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
Would you like to know more? »

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side! She turns to him, invitingly…they kiss…and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it for you?”

The guy yawns: “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”