indecorum

Are you tired of all those sissy “friendship” poems. Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad – I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue – I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile – I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared – I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried – I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused – I will use little words.
7. When you are sick – Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.
8. When you fall – I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.

It’s all about that last line, everyone needs two good friends in case you kill the first one.

Ever have the compulsion to ride in a go-kart for 24 hours straight while pretending you’re a NASCAR driver?

“Hi, I’m Johan Schwartz, and I want to welcome you to my dream and your opportunity to compete in real motor races just like our racing heroes.”

Unlike any other racing series, participants are not held responsible for crash damage.

You’re no Dale Earnhardt, buddy.

Brought to you by – The Ministry of Kazoos

Next time you get cutoff by some drunken jerk while being tailgated by a dumb redneck with his high beams on, remember this:

Being an asshole driver is cool.

That may have sounded sarcastic, but it’s not. Being a complete dickhead behind the wheel is the sacred tradition of a select but very assertive group of red-blooded Americans who happen to drive as fast as their radar detectors allow them to react. We strive on each of our long, bitter commutes to our dead-end jobs to make as many other drivers as miserable as possible while allowing ourselves to get to work a few minutes earlier. It’s not really about saving time; it’s about having fun at other people’s expense. It’s about being bold and aggressive, about being all you can be. It’s about using your car as it was designed to be used.
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Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk…

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk…

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
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At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It’s Morris! And he’s again ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.
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Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.
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Just a little joke. One that I haven’t seen in quite a while.

A thermodynamics professor wrote a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: ‘Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.’...

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The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; ” Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn’t you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn’t you call? You little tramp! Don’t you know what you put your Mum through??!!”

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…”

“WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family – I don’t ever want to see you again!”

“OK, Dad – as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for ?5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club…(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and….”

“Now what was it you said you had become?”

Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff… A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff”

“Oh! Be Jesus! – you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said “a Protestant”. Come here and give your old man a hug!”

From http://www.ubersite.com/m/50268

A typical weekend of mayhem for me, living the high life, partying it up, rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle etc. Friday night was so wild it is untrue a Will & Grace double header and two, count ‘em, two coffees! Before bed!! I mean that is wild enough but I also slept in my socks. I know what you are all thinking -this boy is a mentalist – but I would rather die than live slow.

I had to work Saturday and didn’t finish until late. Some of my friends were out to dinner to celebrate Paul’s birthday. I was rushing to try and meet up but didn’t leave the office until gone nine. Which sucked a big fat one. With suspicious purple botches and a strange cheesy smell. Thats how much it sucked.

Fortunately most of my chums are borderline alcoholics so they wanted to go out and ‘have a quick pint’ first. This gave me time to meet them at the restaurant. I drove like a bat out of hell (blind, eating flies, squeaking and making lavish amounts of guano) and arrived at the place at around nine thirty. They hadn’t arrived as yet so I sat at the bar and had a light aperitif. As I was polishing off the second bottle of vodka my chums arrived.
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This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John:
“Hi! I’m John, and this is Mary.”

Mary:
“Hi! We’re here to invite you to come kiss Hank’s ass with us.”

Me:
“Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who’s Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?”
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