indecorum

• 7:00P – Opening flag burning.
• 7:15P – Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
• 7:30P – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 7:30P – Nonreligious prayer and worship led by Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.
• 8:00P – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 8:05P – Ceremonial tree hugging.
• 8:15P – Gay wedding with Barney Frank presiding.
• 8:30P – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 8:35P – Free Saddam Rally organized by Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon.
• 8:45P – Speech on “The Calibre of American Troops in Iraq” by Slapstick Comic Senator John Kerry.
• 9:00P – Keynote speech on “The Proper Etiquette for Surrender” by French President Jacques Chirac.
• 9:15P – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 9:20P – Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.

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Cost of Cheerleading, dance, modeling and vocal lessons since a child: $250,000

Cost of a year’s tuition at USC: $30,000

Cost of maintaining blonde hair to just the right shade: $10,000

Cost of being dumb enough to cheer when Texas scores: Priceless

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

• MAN: “Hello”
• WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
• MAN: “Yes”
• WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
• MAN: “Sure ..go ahead if you like it that much.”
• WOMAN: “I also stopped by the BMW dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked.”
• MAN: “How much?”
• WOMAN: “$90,000”
• MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
• WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing … The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
• MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”
• WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
• MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

Three guys—a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer—are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. “I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total,” says the Genie.

The Canadian says, “I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.” Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state.” Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer says, “I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out—it’s virtually impenetrable.”

The American engineer says, “Fill it with water.”

Here’s why:

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces busy with keeping us safe from terrorists. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for state government. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice…....

A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag, and he yelled back that Teddy Kennedy is a rich, good-for-nothing fat drunk.”

“We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us.”

[Overheard in McDonald’s this morning]

Two little boys, approximately 4 or 5 years old, spy each other in line. Their mothers are holding their respective hands, staring straight ahead at the menu board with that dispassionate glazed look—like they’re pumping gas, or waiting for a dog to do its business.

• Little boy #1: Hey! You get McDonald’s for breakfast too!
• Little boy #2: Yeah! I’m getting pancakes! I thought I was never going to get pancakes again.
• Little boy #1: How come? Your mom doesn’t make pancakes at home?
• Little boy #2: No. I only get them here. And I didn’t think I was ever going to taste them ever again.
• Little boy #1: How come?
• Little boy #2: Because after my little brother’s birthday party, my Mom said she’d rather take it up the ass than eat here anymore.

Wearing Your Collar Down is for Poor People
by I.M. Adick, III

When my ancestors came over to this great country 400 years ago, they had a vision for a utopia, free from minorities, liberals, poor people, homosexuals, and immigrants. There are few today who share such lofty ideals, but we’re easy to find: Pastel polo shirts, loafers without socks, tucked-in shirts, but most importantly, collars up.

Call me a douchebag. Call me an arrogant little cocksucking dickhead. Beat the shit out of me if I’m not with fifteen of my B-frat friends (unlikely). But just know this: I interned at Smith Barney this summer. Where did you work? A Blockbuster? That’s right you insignificant sack of dogshit; I’m going to be your boss. So take your t-shirt wearing, financial aid, blue-collar ass over to Blockbuster and get me a copy of Old School. Do you even own a tuxedo?
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While my laptop is dying from a recent rapid spyware invasion, I’ve decided to steal content from Craigslist.

How To Tell Your Friend His Cat’s Dead
———
let me start by saying, i own a cat, love my pet, and wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt it. With that said….

My friend was watching a mutual friend’s cat while he was on vacation. Before he left, he warned that the cat was old (21 years old), and not doing so hot. He suspected that he was ready to die. Sure enough, the cat died on the last day of vacation. My friend asked me how he should tell him. I gave him these options to break the news.

1. “i’ve got good news and i’ve got bad news. bad news is, your cat’s dead. the good news is that i saved a lot on my car insurance.”
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