indecorum

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO.
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: IOWA, but driving in CALIFORNIA.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY.
8. One hand on 12 oz Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE.
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: TEXAS.
10. Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

Intense

Editor’s Note: “If you learn nothing else from this, remember: Don’t leave the mosque!”

ha ha ha

if you email this around, save thad’s bandwith – download a copy vs. sending around the link

• Pat Glenn – Weightlifting Commentator, “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing.”
• Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator: “This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.”
• Murray Walker, “The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.”
• Greg Norman, “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
• Alan Minter, “Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious.”
• Terry Venables, “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
• Ron Atkinson, “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it – you can see it all over their faces.”
• Harry Carpenter – BBC TV Boat Race 1997, “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.”
• Metro Radio, “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”
• David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: “There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.”
• US TV Commentator, “One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… oh my God! What have I just said?”

Merry Christmas

(needs sound)

Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”?

Well, here’s a prime example offered by an English professor at an
American University. “Today we will experiment with a new form called
the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with
the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then
write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first
person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you
wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both
agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca and Gary – last names deleted.

STORY:

(First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of
the question.

(Second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit
established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign
off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole
through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
“Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,”
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one
lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had
left earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President in his
top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized
poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President
slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m
going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ‘em out of the sky!”

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh shall I have
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no,
I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
novels… I can’t decide.”

(Rebecca)
Asshole.

(Gary)
Bitch.

(Rebecca)
Wanker.

(Gary)
Slut.

(Rebecca)
Get f*cked.

(Gary)
Eat shit.

(Rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL

(Gary)
Go drink some tea – whore.

(Teacher)
A+ – I really liked this one!

Kudos to the Dane for all the high-minded commentary on this site…I hope these photos are a counterbalance…

Fishin’ with the boys

How would you answer the phone?

Bet this is pretty similar to the actual one…