1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
   
   You Live in New York City when…

1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is “nature,”
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You’ve worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when…

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when…

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

#”ya’ll” is singular and “all ya’ll” is plural.

1. After five years you still hear, “You ain’t from ‘round here, are Ya?”
2. “He needed killin’ ” is a valid defense.
3. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when.

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when…

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”

You live in Florida when..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind—even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Editor’s Note: Originally posted at Aaron Karo’s website

The other day I found myself sitting on the couch watching reruns of Lizzie McGuire on the Disney Channel (and feeling sort of guilty because I was kinda getting turned on). And as I stuffed another piece of my roommate’s girlfriend’s leftover Valentine’s Day candy into my mouth, I realized something – I haven’t worked in a full year. Furthermore, I realized that the past year since I left Wall Street to pursue comedy has been one of the best years of my life. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve worked many a job in my day – from investment banks in New York to consulting firms in London, from tiny dot-com startups to huge, multinational corporations. And they all had one thing in common: I hated every second of it. Look around you. I bet every unemployed twentysomething you know is desperately looking for a job while everyone with a job is desperately looking to get the hell out. We’ve entered an era of job insecurity.

Getting up at the crack of dawn for work is sort of like doing the New York Times crossword puzzle – it gets harder and harder as the week goes on until it’s almost impossible on Friday. And when your alarm goes off and you sit up in bed with one eye open, you always do that silent “reverse acceptance speech where you curse every person of authority in your life. You think to yourself, “I’d like to say that I hate everyone who brought here me to this moment at 5:45am. I hate my parents, my boss and, of course, my co-workers who come out every single day to support me. I hate you all. And now I’m going to snooze for seven more minutes. Goodnight. Assholes.”

Why do girls carry that extra bag to work? Everyone’s got their laptop bag and maybe their gym bag, but girls always have that extra, brown Bath & Body Works shopping bag piled high with crap. I’m baffled.

I love the people that proudly wear their employee ID cards around their necks all day long and refuse to take it off. Its OK buddy, we’re at lunch now, and that’s a terrible picture of you anyway.

In the past eight years, there have only been two times when I shaved my sideburns completely off. One was after my first night of pledging when my pledge master told me that if I didn’t shave them off, he would. The other was the night before my first day of work after I was told that facial hair was “frowned upon” in the office. In both cases, I grew them back without anyone noticing, was summarily shit upon for months on end for no apparent reason, and when it was all over, had learned nothing more than a few bizarre and mundane skills not applicable anywhere else.

On the subject of bizarre and mundane skills, to all the investment bankers out there reading this, if you’ve ever found yourself arguing with someone about who is more skilled at using keyboard shortcuts instead of the mouse, it’s all over for you. You’ve had a nice run, but it’s time to get out. Slowly make your way to the door without making any sudden movements. Oh and leave that Bath & Body Works bag, someone else might need it.

I love corporate America’s futile attempts at boosting employee morale. For instance, the Friday afternoon beer bash. Have you participated in one of these? You get to stop work early on Friday and hang out in a drafty conference room sipping lukewarm Heinekens with a bunch of co-workers you already spend twelve hours a day with. Um…yeah…could I, uh, just go home early instead? Because that would really make me a lot happier.

For me, the moment I knew it was time to quit my job was when I caught myself using office buzzwords with my family. I was like, “Hey Mom, I just touched base with Dad. Yeah, he’s out of pocket right now but we’re gonna circle back in about an hour. I really think it’s critical that he gives us the view from 50,000 feet because there seems to be some disconnect between…wait a minute, what the fuck am I talking about?”

Quote of the Month. This month’s quote comes from my friend Adam R., disgruntled banker. He was going out to lunch one day with a few co-workers, all wearing the standard blue Banana Republic shirt, gray J.Crew pants and black Kenneth Cole shoes. A cheerful secretary passed the weary group in the hall and said, “Hey, you guys all look the same!” To which Adam replied, “You mean miserable?”

You know who I hate? People want to go back to business formal attire. There’s always that one asshole in the office who for some reason needs to make it known to everyone that he would rather wear a tie and a dark suit in the middle of the summer. Shut the fuck up and stop trying to ruin this for the rest of us. And will you take that goddamn employee ID off already?

There are few things worse than attempting to make it through a day of work with a massive hangover. You know, you’re perspiring slightly, you have a huge glass of ice water, you’re trying to stay very very still, you tell everyone you have food poisoning, it’s horrible. I actually threw up in the office once. I came back from the bathroom and everyone was giving me a dirty look. I told them that I had some bad sushi and they all shook their heads and went back to work. The funny thing is that I really did have some bad sushi the night before. Plus twenty sake bombs.

Right up there with trying to survive when you’re hungover in the office is trying to stay awake at your desk after you come back from lunch. It should really be an Olympic sport. It’s a beautiful day out, you just went out to eat and had a nice turkey sandwich, then you get back to your desk and all of a sudden you become narcoleptic. Phones are ringing off the hook, people are yelling, but your Herman Miller chair is the most comfortable bed in the world. I once fell asleep for so long on my computer that when I woke up I had impressions from the F and J keys in my forehead.

I think the most important skill that any twentysomething working in an office must learn is how to look busy when you’re really not. The easiest way to do this of course is to throw a bunch of paper around your desk to make it look really messy and keep a complicated looking document up on your computer screen. You can see this charade in action in other professions as well. That trainer at the gym who’s constantly arranging the dumbbells in weight order? He’s got nothing to do. The doorman who’s triple-checking his list of dry cleaning deliveries? Nothing as well. And how do you know when you’ve been pretending to look busy in the office for too long? When you reach that moment, and I know you have, when you decide that you’ve officially surfed every web site on the entire Internet and have been reduced to searching your own name on Google. At that point, you should make sure you’re still actually employed.

Ever notice that as soon as someone above you in the office curses in front of you, you feel like you should curse in every conversation with them from then on?

Ever get an email from a friend at work who is trying to outwit the system that scans all of his outgoing messages? It’s always something like: “Hey Karo, what the f@ck happened with that b_tch last night? Her t*its were huge! I want all the details you m%ther f@cker!” I’m like, are you sure your company won’t be able to figure this out?

Ever try to explain to your grandmother what you do for a living? No matter what you do it’s always way too complicated to explain. You’re like, well, you see, our clients are looking to raise additional capital and we provide a liquid market for…uh, yeah, you’re not following this. How about this? I’m a stockbroker. Yup, just like on TV.

I think the people with the most warped outlook are those working on Wall Street. It’s amazing the kinds of hours that people will work in exchange for a tote bag and a hat with the company logo on it that they’ll never wear. And the expense account, that’s where the real brainwashing comes in. My roommate will come home from work and start bragging like “Karo, I expensed the sickest sushi dinner tonight!” I’ll be like, “Dude, wouldn’t you have rather paid for your own dinner and not come home at 2am?”

How come when you quit a job you have to give two weeks notice but when they lay you off you have to leave immediately?

I hate when I call my friends who are employed and an assistant picks up and says, “John Smith’s office!” Can you giving me a fucking break please? I know you don’t have an office. I also know that same assistant answers the phone for a dozen other drones. In fact, I bet he or she has a bigger cubicle then you do. So get off your lazy ass and pick up your own goddamn phone.

For those of you reading this at work right now, I want you to know that I feel your pain. I know what you’re going through. If you’re a summer intern, right now you’re watching the clock, waiting for it to hit five so you can bolt out the door and hit happy hour. If you’re in your late twenties, right now you’re wishing you went to law school. If you’re a guy, the office is way too hot and the other window open on your computer is Bill Simmons’ column on ESPN.com. If you’re a girl, the office is way too cold and the other window open on your computer is the new arrivals section of Bluefly.com. As for me, well, I know that living off of book royalties and stand-up gigs can’t last forever. Maybe one day I will return to the working world. But this time, I’m keeping the sideburns.

HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?

• The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
• Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
• Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
• Coca-Cola was originally green.
• It is impossible to lick your elbow.
• The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
• The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
• (now get this…) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
• The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
• The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
• Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
• The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
• The youngest pope was 11 years old.
• The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
• Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
• 111,111,111×111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
• If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
• Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.
• “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
• Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father’s Day

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

• In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase “goodnight, sleep tight.”

• It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.

• In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”

• Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.

• In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden … and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

AND FINALLY

• At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

My favorite is spear throwing

1. an egregious violation of the 1st Amendment, and
2. a damn shame, since it deprives us and everyone else of a darn funny read.

Thank Goodness for Google’s archives.

Jedi Kid

Editor’s Note: Also, here’s the obligatory Star Wars Kid Remix

Here are the three winners:

Third place:

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
‘Twas “Hail to the Chief”
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.

The two responses posted so far are high-quality. I’ve included them in the Extended Entry below, along with Arun’s original.

Arun’s message:
From: owner-solar-network@lists.Stanford.EDU
[mailto:owner-solar-network@lists.Stanford.EDU]On Behalf Of Arun Jain
Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2003 11:18 AM
To: solar-network@lists.Stanford.EDU
Cc: Arun Jain
Subject: SOLAR-NETWORK Before you send paper to Journal for publishing

Hello everybody,

I had been working on an old mathematical problem for a long time. The problem remained unsolved for over 3 centuries. It is an important problem, popularly known as Fermat’s last problem. Past attempts were either partial, or faulty or unverified.

I am more than reasonably sure, that I have cracked that problem.

Please don’t discard this message as a joke. I have four masters’ degree to my credit. Two in Physic, and one in computer science from Stnford, and another MBA from Santa Clara.

At this stage I am scared of just mailing my work for publication for fear of this getting stolen along the way.

I am requesting the group to provide some suggestion as to how to go about it.

Some of the options I have.

1. Discuss it with some of accredited professors of mathematics at Santa Clara University, Stanford and/or Berkely and obtain a forward from them.

2. Directly contact the editor of the Journal I wish to send my paper to.

3. Insist on meeting with the editor in person before handing over the paper.

4. Opt for a conference.

Please provide your feedback. I will appreciate any suggestions.

Thanks.

arunjain

RESPONSE 1:

While the proof by Andrew Wiles in 1993 was found to have holes, a corrected version was presented in late 1994 and the mathematics community now considers this problem to be solved. There is still value in additional proofs of Fermat’s Last Theorem, since Wiles’ proof is quite long and complex. Perhaps you should review the history of the problem, since any misrepresentation on your part will not help your case.

I believe that in general the academic community can be trusted, but I would make a point of contacting the head of the Physics Department at Stanford, or another professor there who respects your work, and ask him to refer you to an appropriate mathematics professor. That way there would be more widespread recognition that you have original material on the subject and the mathematics professor will be more likely to give you his time. You will almost certainly need an academic sponsor to get a paper like this published in a mainstream mathematics journal.

The hardest part will be to get someone to spend time verifying your work. There are only a handfull of people on the planet who are qualified to judge work on this problem, and there are lots of people who claim to have solved the problem who are clamoring for attention. Even if some of them have solved it, they weren’t able to get it verified and published. If I were you I would create a presentation that would take no more than half an hour to present that clearly summarizes your results.

Michael Pallesen

RESPONSE 2:
I have also worked on solving the problem, but I don’t want to present the proof.

Why shouldn’t I show the proof? That’s a tough one, but I’ll take a shot. Say I’m working at the math department. Somebody puts a theorem on my desk, something nobody else can prove. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I prove it. And I’m real happy with myself, ‘cause I did my job well. But maybe that equation sparked more interest professors in Harvard or Princeton. Once they have that interest, the academic community flocks there and fifteen hundred grad students that I never met and that I never had no problem with get more homework to do. Now the academic deans are sayin’, “Send in the postdocs to do more proofs” ‘cause they don’t give a shit. It won’t be their grad students over there, gettin’ worked. Just like it wasn’t them when their number was called, ‘cause they were pullin’ a tour in the university administration. It’ll be some phd from MIT takin’ equations in the ass. And he comes home to find that the advisor he used to work for got tenured at the school he just got back from. And the guy who put the equation in his ass got his old fellowship, ‘cause he’ll work for fifteen Twinkies a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a provost that would hire more math faculty at a good price. And of course the undergraduate programs used the excitement over there to scare up their own tuition costs. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain’t helping my buddy at $5000 per unit. They’re takin’ their sweet time bringin’ the proofs back, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic professor who likes to drink martinis and fuckin’ play air guitar on his slide rule, and it ain’t too long ‘til he messes around with one, finds a new theorem and presents it to the academics in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy’s a Sociology major and he can’t do math anymore, so he’s tipping the wrong amounts at fuckin’ restaurants, which sucks ‘cause the equations still in his ass are givin’ him chronic hemorroids. And meanwhile he’s intellectually starvin’ ‘cause every time he tries to get a research paper to read, the only blue plate special they’re servin’ is North Atlantic Conference Proofs with the alcoholic professor. So what did I think? I’m holdin’ out for somethin’ better. I figure, fuck it, while I’m at it, why not just shoot my buddy, take his fellowship and give it to his rival school, hike up interests in math, jack up the price of education, make nerds cool, hit
the Matlab and join the NSF? I could be elected President.

Lt_Kaffee

Should this be on Cali’s page?

Addition by Denmark: Here is the full video w/ sound. It’s an ad for a Nokia 3650 Phone with a camera attachment. I knew I had seen it somewhere before…

My favorites are the Arnold / Gateway series and the Joe Pesci clips.