indecorum

If Mario and a pirate had kids, this is the game they’d play:

Red Beard

And a joke for the occasion:

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
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These morons at UL broke about every rule for frying a turkey. Turkey fryers should include the label, “Not to be used by idiots.”

You must first dunk the bird in water to get the right level for the oil. This prevents the overflow.

Try this one: Never fry a frozen turkey…where do they get these guys? They never mention this important fact, because it detracts from their display or would show they can read directions?

You don’t just drop the bird in, you must slowly lower it, and raise it to prevent the bubbling over of oil.

Never fry a turkey on a wooden deck, they might as well have flown a kite in a thunderstorm. Also of note, frying on concrete can stain the concrete, hence I choose the grass.

One of my favorite parts….paraphrased….”This pot of boiling hot oil can become hot. Don’t touch with bare skin.” Now you tell me…no bobbing for turkey? Who’s going first?

How not to fry a turkey

Also note the the trusted UL seal isn’t available on guns as you might shoot someone with them…please exercise extreme caution.

I’ve a feeling that movie producers, directors, and actors are so insulated from the public that they don’t know how to make a good movie. People habitually spend $20 on movie tickets because that’s the thing they do regardless of the quality of the dribble leaving Hollywood.

I want the inside story on how meetings go during those really bad movies. “Yeah we’ll make this pointless movie, call it something cool like ‘Time Machine’ and make millions.”

Among other powers I want like the right to overview stupid parking lot designs made by junior guys that have never driver, is the power to make changes to movies.

Example #1: In “Back To The Future III”, here’s the real reason Marty
avoided drag racing at the end of the movie.

I think this years Halloween costumes will be Rodeo Cowboys because I want to buy a hat and boots. Saw a gorilla costume on Columbus and 72nd today walking next to this guy riding a raptor. That was a cool costume.

The classic Drunk Pumpkin
Hermione after prom
Cool dog in ghost costume costume
Cheap pumpkin, cheap feel
Canadian pumpkins are easy

President Bush worried about the efficiency of his agencies decides to test them. He takes a large area of woodland and fences it off into three equal areas and releases a red squirrel into each. He gives the first area to the FBI, the second to the CIA and the third to the NYPD with the mission of finding the squirrel in a week.

The week elapses and he asks the FBI how they were doing. The FBI say that they mobilized the Dept of The Environment, the local police, The Forestry Commission in addition posting wanted signs in local towns and on the tree. The Squirrel however was still ‘at large’.

The Spokesman for the CIA is up next and after calling in ‘Grey Opps’, asked for a napalm strike. The officer then pushes across a clear plastic envelope containing greasy grey ashes saying that they believe that to be Red Squirrel residue.

The President then turns the the Chief of the New York Police Dept, who then nods to a junior officer. The door to the room opens and two police officers walk in holding a handcuffed, bruised and blooded badger between them.

The Chief then jabs his night-stick into the badgers ribs and says “Tell him what you told me”. The badger then screams “I’m a red squirrel, I’m a red squirrel!”.

(poorly done to the Brady Bunch Theme)
There’s a story,
Of a reporter named Dawn Scott,
Who will never get a big network deal.

She has straight brown hair,
Like every other,
Every other reporter on TV.

But watch this reporter lose composure,
watch her drop the ball,
after the streaker drops some gas.

Only good news for her,
She’s not that other
Wine stomping reporter who fell onto her ass.

Reportus Interruptus

The buzz word in today’s business world is MARKETING. However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of “Marketing.” Here it is:

• You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed,”
  That’s Direct Marketing.
• You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, “She’s fantastic in bed,”
  That’s Advertising.
• You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed,”
  That’s Telemarketing.
• You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say,” May I,” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed,”
  That’s Public Relations.
• You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed,”
  That’s Brand Recognition.
• You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
  That’s a Sales Rep.
• Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you.
  That’s Tech Support.
• You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!”
  That’s Junk Mail.

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. “You ‘ave been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. “Zen, you should know enough to ‘ave your passport ready for inspection.”

The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible. You Americans alwayz ‘ave to show your passports on arrival in France!”

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in ‘44, I couldn’t find any f—-ing Frenchmen to show it to.”

This was sent to me with the caption that I must watch this video “at least twice”....many viewings later I’m posting it here.

Grape Crushing and the local copy

The winner who stomps the most juice in wins a night in the hotel. Watch what happens when the reporter tries to cheat…cheaters get hurt!

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”

The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”