Ever have the compulsion to ride in a go-kart for 24 hours straight while pretending you’re a NASCAR driver?
“Hi, I’m Johan Schwartz, and I want to welcome you to my dream and your opportunity to compete in real motor races just like our racing heroes.”
Unlike any other racing series, participants are not held responsible for crash damage.
You’re no Dale Earnhardt, buddy.
Jimmy and Adam sending Aaron, the “Man Show Boy,” out on the street to set up a sidewalk beer stand to find out how many people feel comfortable buying beer, rather than lemonade, from a minor. Debut of Beer Boy as he runs a 25 cent beer stand.
Beer Boy returns looking for ladies. Is this kid just that sharp or is someone whispering in his ear…
Here are some facts (technically opinions):
Hockey is the greatest professional sport to watch in person because of the action on the ice and the energy of the crowd.
Hockey is the worst professional sport to watch on tv because there is no crowd (obviously) and the puck is really hard to follow.
High definition TV was supposed to fix the second part, but I’ve seen high-def hockey and while it’s visually brilliant, it’s still not that good.
During the hockey lockout, Brett Hull made a Saturday Night Live appearance. He’d rather be playing hockey.
Being the Perfect Asshole Driver
Brought to you by – The Ministry of Kazoos
Next time you get cutoff by some drunken jerk while being tailgated by a dumb redneck with his high beams on, remember this:
Being an asshole driver is cool.
That may have sounded sarcastic, but it’s not. Being a complete dickhead behind the wheel is the sacred tradition of a select but very assertive group of red-blooded Americans who happen to drive as fast as their radar detectors allow them to react. We strive on each of our long, bitter commutes to our dead-end jobs to make as many other drivers as miserable as possible while allowing ourselves to get to work a few minutes earlier. It’s not really about saving time; it’s about having fun at other people’s expense. It’s about being bold and aggressive, about being all you can be. It’s about using your car as it was designed to be used.
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If the Star Wars Kid and William Hung had a few too many and got randy, the Numa Numa kid is their geek offspring.
Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk
Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk…
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk…
At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It’s Morris! And he’s again ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.
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Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer:
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.
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The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; ” Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn’t you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn’t you call? You little tramp! Don’t you know what you put your Mum through??!!”
The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…”
“WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family – I don’t ever want to see you again!”
“OK, Dad – as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for ?5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club…(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and….”
“Now what was it you said you had become?”
Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff… A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff”
“Oh! Be Jesus! – you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said “a Protestant”. Come here and give your old man a hug!”
