indecorum

Wearing Your Collar Down is for Poor People
by I.M. Adick, III

When my ancestors came over to this great country 400 years ago, they had a vision for a utopia, free from minorities, liberals, poor people, homosexuals, and immigrants. There are few today who share such lofty ideals, but we’re easy to find: Pastel polo shirts, loafers without socks, tucked-in shirts, but most importantly, collars up.

Call me a douchebag. Call me an arrogant little cocksucking dickhead. Beat the shit out of me if I’m not with fifteen of my B-frat friends (unlikely). But just know this: I interned at Smith Barney this summer. Where did you work? A Blockbuster? That’s right you insignificant sack of dogshit; I’m going to be your boss. So take your t-shirt wearing, financial aid, blue-collar ass over to Blockbuster and get me a copy of Old School. Do you even own a tuxedo?
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While my laptop is dying from a recent rapid spyware invasion, I’ve decided to steal content from Craigslist.

How To Tell Your Friend His Cat’s Dead
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let me start by saying, i own a cat, love my pet, and wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt it. With that said….

My friend was watching a mutual friend’s cat while he was on vacation. Before he left, he warned that the cat was old (21 years old), and not doing so hot. He suspected that he was ready to die. Sure enough, the cat died on the last day of vacation. My friend asked me how he should tell him. I gave him these options to break the news.

1. “i’ve got good news and i’ve got bad news. bad news is, your cat’s dead. the good news is that i saved a lot on my car insurance.”
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If you’ve been living under a rock, or perhaps spending all your time in the lab, you may have missed the Pat O’Brien extravaganza. Pat got a little drunk, did a little drunk dialing. So what big deal, we’ve all been there. (This is really easy on the east coast because when you’re drunk, your friends are still up in California) Then Pat got a talking to by Dr. Phil, but I skipped that part. I’m sure it was touching.

What started this Pat O’Brien issue? Plug in your headphones, you boss doesn’t want to hear this, then click on the hot link and go crazy. Say ‘yes’ if you’re into Betsy.

I guess at one point Maury Povich was a jounalist but now his show has clearly jumped the shark and degraded to paternity testing people for ratings.

Watch Andrew as he finds out if he is the father of this girl’s baby. She says it’s 5000% Andrew, the DNA says…

Damn he can dance!

Fun flash game…Squares

Move your square to collect the other black squares while avoiding anything red. The black circles give bonuses like invicibility, a smaller square or speed slow down.

Techno music: use headphones or turn down your volume.

Post your high scores and winning strategies so I can beat you!

Without giving anything away, this is awesome. Well worth the download and my bandwidth.

This is the best car chase since the Juice was loose.

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Are you tired of all those sissy “friendship” poems. Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad – I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue – I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile – I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared – I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried – I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused – I will use little words.
7. When you are sick – Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.
8. When you fall – I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.

It’s all about that last line, everyone needs two good friends in case you kill the first one.

Ever get tired of watching your wife all the time? Do you want to go out with the guys? Raucus poker night? Does she want you to stay home and watch Terms of Endearment?

Goodness brought to you by the genius that hired ‘The Fox’, The Man Show on Comedy Central.

Lady Sitters are not available in Tennessee, West Virginia, or Utah.

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Terri Schiavo died today, may she continue to rest in peace.

Now to secure the coach ticket to hell. Found in a post-mortem google search and fark article:

• These brain-dead supporters have been holding vigil for weeks
• Possible name licensing to recoup parents legal fees
• AssHat Jesse Jackson – appears everywhere, wanted nowhere
• Terri’s Quest
• Michael finish her – Fatality

Also pertinent, tips on Living Wills (pdf archive)

Saving the best for last, did you know that Terri Schiavo has been keeping a blog. Read Terry’s last words. (pdf archive)

While I’m at it, why were the parents so against pulling the feeding tube? Because Terri’s anorexia caused this condition and they felt responsible as parents usually are to blame. Don’t know the definition of irony, but I’m going to write ironic in italics.

I haven’t experienced an earthquake since moving to New York, but with the recent seismic activity in Asia I feel it’s important to know how to recognize when one occurs.

Resources:

USGS Earthquake Hazards Program
How to protect yourself during a quake

Earthquakes can be dangerous. Especially at beaches where Tsunamis can occur. Know the signs to watch for of a nearby earthquake!

Check your 6 before you click that last link….now I tell you.