• 7:00P – Opening flag burning.
• 7:15P – Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
• 7:30P – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 7:30P – Nonreligious prayer and worship led by Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.
• 8:00P – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 8:05P – Ceremonial tree hugging.
• 8:15P – Gay wedding with Barney Frank presiding.
• 8:30P – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 8:35P – Free Saddam Rally organized by Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon.
• 8:45P – Speech on “The Calibre of American Troops in Iraq” by Slapstick Comic Senator John Kerry.
• 9:00P – Keynote speech on “The Proper Etiquette for Surrender” by French President Jacques Chirac.
• 9:15P – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 9:20P – Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.

• 9:30P – Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay by Sean Penn.
• 9:40P – A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton on “Why I Dislike the Military.”
• 9:45P – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 9:50P – Dan Rather presented “Truth in Broadcasting” award, presented by Michael Moore.
• 9:55P – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 10:00P – Expose on “How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld Brought Down the World Trade Center Towers” by Howard Dean.
• 10:30P – Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahmadinejad.
• 11:00P – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 11:05P – Al Gore reinvents the internet.
• 11:15P – A short talk on “Our Troops are War Criminals” by Senator John Kerry.
• 11:30P – Coronation of Mrs. Rodham Clinton.
• 12:00A – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
• 12:05A – Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home.

• ESPN Catch Phrases – I am the most popular player in all the land.

Tiger Woods + Nike = Great Commercials

• Great with wedges
• Great with mishits

Fox Sports

• Hey Utah – We gotta show these suckas how to play dis game
• Knickerbocker please – Extra large tub of salted, artificial butta, word to your mutha
• Yo our Lakers be fly – I just said that yo
• Coppertone rub it on – Cause you just got burned

Cost of a year’s tuition at USC: $30,000

Cost of maintaining blonde hair to just the right shade: $10,000

Cost of being dumb enough to cheer when Texas scores: Priceless

• MAN: “Hello”
• WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
• MAN: “Yes”
• WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
• MAN: “Sure ..go ahead if you like it that much.”
• WOMAN: “I also stopped by the BMW dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked.”
• MAN: “How much?”
• WOMAN: “$90,000”
• MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
• WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing … The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
• MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”
• WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
• MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

Drive this van around the curvy track. Do it fast enough and you get to the next level. Pretty standard really.

Thump

The Canadian says, “I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.” Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state.” Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer says, “I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out—it’s virtually impenetrable.”

The American engineer says, “Fill it with water.”

• Awesome driving in a seemingly beatup car – Are they taunting the police at the end?
• Bergenbier says ‘Drink Sensibly’ – Unless you strike out with hot chicks and closing time is approaching.
• Dog holding lit firework, not funny – Girls laughing in the background, funny in a sick way.
• Your wife called – And because it’s YOUR wife, it’s OK.
• Bat Day on Oceanic Flight 815 – Old racist white dude + wife beater + web cam = rant heard around the world

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces busy with keeping us safe from terrorists. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for state government. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice…....