indecorum

Brought to you by – The Ministry of Kazoos

Next time you get cutoff by some drunken jerk while being tailgated by a dumb redneck with his high beams on, remember this:

Being an asshole driver is cool.

That may have sounded sarcastic, but it’s not. Being a complete dickhead behind the wheel is the sacred tradition of a select but very assertive group of red-blooded Americans who happen to drive as fast as their radar detectors allow them to react. We strive on each of our long, bitter commutes to our dead-end jobs to make as many other drivers as miserable as possible while allowing ourselves to get to work a few minutes earlier. It’s not really about saving time; it’s about having fun at other people’s expense. It’s about being bold and aggressive, about being all you can be. It’s about using your car as it was designed to be used.

You think aggressive drivers cause accidents. No, bad drivers cause accidents, like you, sitting in the middle of the intersection timidly trying to figure out where to go. You cause accidents with your sudden and inexplicable breaking and your poor grasp of distance. If you drove 85 MPH in a 45 zone, you’d learn to think quickly and control your vehicle. And when we do cause accidents, I blame you anyway. You cause accidents by making guys like me weave through traffic because you thought they were serious when they said “Speed limit 35. Children playing” or some shit like that. If you weren’t there, there’d be nobody for me to plow into.

And asshole drivers are what keep America rolling. Think of all those cops whose paycheck is dependent on pulling us over and being told “NO OCCIFER, I’M NOT DUNK” and “Really? I always thought this stretch of road had a 95 speed limit. I must have missed the sign,” and “Holy shit, I’ve never been pulled over by a hot chick before. Can I see your tits?” They would be broke, living off of the welfare paid for by the tax on muscle cars, which represent a needless and thoroughly awesome waste of horsepower and which cause all this fun in the first place. But moreover, this is about the American dream. This is about being resourceful in the face of daunting and usually elderly opposition. This is about rugged independence and enforcement of Vehicular Darwinism. This is about…I don’t really know where I was going with this.

Most importantly, it’s awesome.

Many aspects of being an asshole driver are obvious: speeding, cutting people off, tailgating, yelling things out your window, etc. But some things are more subtle. So I’ve put together a guide to driving like an asshole. It’s all specific techniques, but the point is really the spirit of the thing.

• Use Emergency Vehicles To Your Advantage – When an ambulance comes, generally everyone gets out of the way. So jump behind it and tailgate it to wherever you’re going. It’s like having your own siren!

  

• The Pop-in – You hate the people who do this. Everybody is patiently waiting in line for exit or because a lane is closing, and some asshole (often me) drives straight down the empty lane and tries to butt in at the last possible moment, saving himself countless minutes at your expense. It wouldn’t be so damn slow if so many people didn’t need to merge that way, but that’s one of the fundamental parts of being an asshole: we don’t care how the system works. If you’re not part of the problem, you probably should be.

  

• Make Left Turns The Easy Way – This is a Boston favorite. You’re making a left-hand turn and the oncoming lane is empty. Just pull into and make your turn.

  

• Skid Whenever Possible – Skidding is cool and it scares the shit out of everyone around you. You can never do enough skidding, especially in bad weather.

• A few beers won’t hurt.

• Parking 101 – Make the maximum number of parking spaces unusable by parking across them. At supermarkets, you can usually take up 4. Also note that handicap people are rarely capable of hurting you when you park in their spot. Or when you beat them, for that matter.

  

• Push Parking – If you have a decent engine, you can usually just push another car out of you way, especially if it’s a Jetta with its parking break off. Don’t worry; your bumper will be fine unless you make a running start. A buddy of mine once landed somebody’s car in a ravine.

• Fun With Stop And Go – Stop and go traffic doesn’t have to be bad. Just wait until the car in front of you is a few lengths ahead, and then slam on the gas. Break just in time to avoid hitting the car in front. Repeat. I once saw a Camero do this for 40 miles straight. He got extra points for spinning his tires on each burst.

• The Pass Blocker – Take it personally when someone tries to pass you. This is especially important when the other car has to pull into the oncoming lane to do it. Match his speed to prevent him from coming back into the right lane. He’ll be forced to slam on the breaks and get back in line before he’s flattened by a semi in the other lane.

  

• Lay On The Horn When Someone Else Fucks Up – People often end up stuck in the middle of your intersection because they turned too late. Sometimes, you’ll find people making ill-advised k turns and have to wait to get out of the wrong lane. Just push down on the horn and hold it. It’s great because there’s nothing the fuck-up can do and for once, it’s their fault and not yours. Rock on. I also suggest laying on the horn in any other kind of stopped traffic, as long as you can do so without getting shot.

• Take Full Advantage Of The Generosity Of Other Drivers – If they’re dumb enough to give you the right away, they don’t deserve it.

• Remember: The Shoulder Is A Lane Too.

Use the buddy system when driving with other jerks. There are all sorts of great things you can do if you have cooperative asshole friends:

• The Squeeze – Using 3-4 cars, complete surround the car of a nervous woman and slowly inch closer to the car from all directions.

  

• The Double Ram – On a two-lane road, have both cars race down the street at the same rate, tailgating everyone in your path. There’s no lane for them to change into, so they’ll just have to drive faster. You have no idea how nervous this makes people. They’ll usually speed up in that “Oh shit, I’m going 60 now” sort of way.

• The Double Snail – This is the opposite. Have a few cars that take up all the lanes of a major highway. Drive very slowly right next to each other and watch as the anger of the huge line of cars builds up behind you. They’ll honk, they’ll yell, they’ll flash their lights, they’ll be late to theirs flights. It’s all in good fun.

  

So there you have it, kids. Get in your cars, rev your engines, double check the location of your pepper spray, and start pissing off drivers everywhere.