Silver Bullet is right by me.

  1. A best-man toast must never include any of the following phrases: “down in Tijuana,” “improbably booting out his nose,” “then she took out her teeth,” or “mostly scabbed over.”

  2. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit (Exception – when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable limit is repealed.)

  3. Bitching about the brand of free beer in your buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden (however, you are free to gripe if the beer temperature is unsuitable).

  4. A buddy must be permitted to borrow anything you own – weed whacker, car, firstborn child – with 12 hours notice. If he brings it back damaged, he must repair within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. (Exception – if the damage goes unnoticed at the hand-off, your buddy gets away scot-free).

  5. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

  6. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until such time as they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo-wing clean.

  7. If your buddy’s zipper is down, that’s his problem – you didn’t see nothin.

  8. A man shall never be required to buy a birthday gift for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best buddy’s birthday is strictly optional).

  9. When stumbling upon another group of guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress but you must never ask who’s playing.

  10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you’ve brought her to climax. If you ever trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, you must officially recognize her as your girlfriend thereafter.

  11. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

  12. “Move your feet, lose your seat” – this rule has survived all challenges and supersedes any local “pee breaks are safe” ordinances.

  13. Never join your wife or girlfriend in dissing a buddy of yours, except in those situations where she’s withholding sex pending your response.

  14. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both – that’s just plain mean.

  15. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible “I recognize you” nod is all the conversation you need.

  16. Things you can cheat on: your taxes, the SATs, your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, poker, darts.