Team Buzolich » Funny

Random Facts for Fun

denmark — Fri, 25 Jun 2004 18:14:16 +0000

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out
to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(”Honey, I’m home. What the…?!”)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes… lucky pig. Can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm……..)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing………………..)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Relationships

buzolich — Wed, 30 Apr 2003 20:03:33 +0000

Romance and relationships never seem to be the same experience for any two people, so generalizing is pretty unfair. However, the below statements summarize many truths about experiences with the other sex. Enjoy…

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Should you chose to send this link to someone or email it, send it to a smart woman who needs a laugh and to the smart guys you know can handle it.

Tid-bits from the Net

buzolich — Tue, 13 Aug 2002 17:57:27 +0000

* You may be right, Pythagoras, but everybody’s going to laugh if you call it a ‘hypotenuse’.
* The secret to good teaching is sincerity. As soon as you learn to fake that, you’ve got it made.
* Left to its own devices, Nature cures stupidity.”
* You know you’ve landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
* Never insult seven men, when all you’re packin’ is a six gun
* It is not necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or ice. There are two other possibilities: One is paperwork, and the other is nostalgia.
* Americans like to talk about (or be told about) democracy but, when put to the test, usually find it to be an ‘inconvience?. We have opted instead for an authoritarian system disguised as a democracy.
* Sometimes, I think the proof that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the Universe is that it hasn’t contacted us
* Don’t worry, there’s absolutely no way they can hit us from all they way over th…
* It’s only fun until someone loses an eye… then it’s fun for one less person.
* Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again
* “Listen! Do you smell something?” – Ray (”Ghostbusters”)
* A closed mouth gathers no foot.
* A man about to speak the truth should keep one foot in the stirrup.? – Old Mongolian Saying

- submitted by denmark – World Traveler, part-time escort

Give me a Coors Light

buzolich — Fri, 28 Jun 2002 22:13:46 +0000

7 new York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. If she’s interested, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she has NO clue. Possibly lives in a trailer.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is… this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang in bars WAY too often, looking to get totally drunk…red flag for identifying bar flies and raging alcoholics.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad.

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required – everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum —- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the supermodel at the end of the bar.

White Zinfandel: He’s gay!

Newest Heavy Element

buzolich — Wed, 01 May 2002 19:54:17 +0000

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named “Administratium.”

Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Administratium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
“Critical Morass.”

You will know it when you see it.

Reported by: Daniel

Today in the News

buzolich — Thu, 04 Apr 2002 14:50:36 +0000

“It was shocking when Elvis was shaking his hips up there, but now we see whole naked bodies. It started with Elvis, and that was a little overboard, but that was the beginning of what we have today, ” says a woman from Texas.

If this sort of thinking gets out, I’d better buy stock in whoever sells Elvis records. So you combine the contributions of Al Gore and Elvis and we get sites like www.flashyourrack.com ?